Travel Through The Mind of A Survivor

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I’m safe.

Where I am going he cannot find me.

He cannot hurt me anymore.

I’m safe.

 

Breathe.

 

Inhale.

Exhale.

 

I know I’m safe.

But will he find me?

Things are so weird now.

I know I can’t go back.

But I miss him.

I miss him?

Am I crazy?

 

I miss who he was in the beginning.

Was that really him?

What did I do wrong?

What did I do to make him hate me so much?

Why did he do all those things to me?

 

Was I not good enough?

Was I not pretty enough?

Not smart enough?

I gave everything up for him.

I did any and everything to make him happy.

 

Who would ever want to be with someone like me?

I’ll never love anyone again

I’ll never be loved by anyone again

I’m damaged goods

 

He was right…

No one would want me

No one would love me

I’ll never be anything

I’m nothing

I’m nothing without him

 

I have to move on

I can’t keep living like this

I can’t keep going on like this

I have to get my life back

 

One step at a time

One day at a time

Whatever it may take

I’m getting my life back

 

I will have good days

And some bad days

But each day is a step closer

A step closer to gaining back my identity

 

I may not be who I once was before

But I know I will be better than I was

It is going to take a lot of work

But I know I can make it

 

If I could make it out of that

I can make it through anything

 

When the negative things he used to say play in my mind

I will reverse them into the positive things I know I am.

 

He said I was ugly.

But look at me.

I’m beautiful.

 

He said that I was weak.

But I am stronger than I have ever been.

 

He said I was nothing without him.

But I am more than he could have ever handled.

 

I am who I am

Because of all that I went through

When you thought you could break me

I actually broke free

I busted out of that cage

Out of that cocoon

And I learned how to fly

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7 thoughts on “Travel Through The Mind of A Survivor

  1. Once again, you hit the nail right on the head. I don’t miss him, though. I am so terrified of seeing him again that I have panic attacks in my sleep (Nocturnal Panic Attacks) and I never leave my home. When I first left him, though, I missed…. not him. I just missed somebody being there. Then my son died and all pretense of him wanting us home was gone. It turned into “let’s make another one” before he raped me. I spent so many years running from him that even now, after being married for seven years and living in another country, I am still looking over my shoulder and jump at shadows. I was 19 years old and confident when I met him. I am now 45 years old and my husband is married to a shell who jumps at shadows.

  2. Its a strange new world once we leave this blog is powerful it address so much. I do not miss my husband at all, oh wait yes I do “I hate yard work, I miss him for that”.
    I am actually terrified of having to see him. I can’t believe how just thinking about seeing him almost causes me to have a panic attack.

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