Ever Wonder Why?

why

Why didn’t you leave sooner?

Why did you let him get away with it?

Why did you stay?

Why didn’t you fight back?

Why Why Why Why Why.

 

As survivors, we get asked the WHY’s far too much! We know it isn’t necessarily intentional, but sometimes all those why’s make us feel worse than we may already feel. When we do get away from the abuse, we are already asking ourselves the same why’s and sometimes we ourselves do not yet know the answers. It isn’t just the question, but it is the delivery of the question that gets us. To be honest, we’d rather you not ask the why’s. In time you may get your answers, but if you are too impatient, you can continue reading to get some of your answers.

 

Why didn’t you leave sooner?

When the relationship first starts it isn’t started with the abuse, the abuser woo’s you, they sweep you off of your feet. They make you feel like a king or queen. After they “got you” they start slowly tearing you down (emotional abuse). They’ll call you names and make it seem as though he or she is just joking with you; but then it isn’t a joke anymore. You hear these things repeated over and over again. You start to believe that these things are who you actually are. You take on a false identity of yourself because you feel like this is what you deserve. You believe him or her when they say that no one will love you, no one would want you, you’re no good for anyone (verbal abuse). He or she isolates you from family and friends, making themselves the only one in your life.They may say that you do not need to work, they will take care of you. If you do work, they have a joint account with you, or they time you the time it takes you to get home and oh please do not be a minute later (environmental and financial abuse). Therefore, you feel as though you have nowhere to go or no one to call to help you. Or they make you think that no one would come for you because they do not love you.

Be aware the information I am now giving you is from someone who has experienced domestic violence in ALL of it’s forms. I am speaking about what happens, but don’t get it twisted. While all this is actually happening the victim is not aware of it. They are blind to it, they are so wrapped up in this individual that they do not see any of this as it is going on. I want to make it clear that domestic violence is NOT just physical abuse. But it involves far more than what is perceived. There are many men and women who were with an abusive partner and did not experience physical abuse.

So for me, when the physical abuse starts I was already too far in (if that makes sense) I had already been brainwashed into thinking that this was where I was supposed to be, that this was what my life was supposed to be. I felt like I deserved it. I mean my sisters and I were verbally, emotionally and physically abused by our father. During my parents divorce my father stopped seeing us, he abandoned us. For some you may think that would be a good thing. But for a child who still loved her father and still wanted him in her life it was another punch in the stomach, another stab to her heart. I had lost my step-father to cancer. It was as if this was just another part of the life of Shauna. As if, I was not deserving for love, whether it be in the form of a father, or partner.

Why did you stay?

I stayed out of fear. Being told if I left I either wouldn’t make it out alive or if I did both my legs would be broken. I stayed out of fear that he may do something to my family. I stayed hoping that he would change. Hoping that he got help. Hoping that the man I fell in love with in the beginning would come back. I stayed because I so desperately wanted to be back to the way things once were. I thought that if I continued loving him and showing him that I loved him that he would see that and want to do better and be better.

Why didn’t you fight back?

Why didn’t I fight back? For one, I did my best to make sure the confrontations didn’t occur in the first place. Do you know what it feels like to basically walk on eggshells in your own home? To have to watch every little thing you say or do to keep this person “happy”? Fighting back would only make things worse. The night he choked me, the night before I left, the thing that set him off, was me saying: ‘How was work baby’, I saw him clench his teeth, so I decided it would be best to walk out the room and give him his space, I misjudged that though. He in turn grabbed me and tossed me on the bed, he began punching the bed so close to my head that if I moved the wrong way at the wrong time he surely would have punch my face. He punched me all over my back, and that is when he choked me.

Why did you let him get away with it?

This one gets me. This is one that is at top of my list of questions that I hate and it enrages me. It was my decision to not press any charges. It was my decision because I did not want to have to deal with him any more. It was my decision because I just didn’t want to make things worse than what they already were for myself and my family. It is my decision and I do not regret it. As I have learned and grown, he didn’t get away with it. One thing I know for sure is that God is the ultimate judge, there is nothing greater then when God takes care of things for you. See, I believe in Karma. What goes around comes around. It doesn’t mean that what he did to me will necessarily happen to him. But one thing is for sure, he’ll reap what he has sown. Besides, what greater victory is there then for him to see and know that he can no longer control me? Not only that, but through this I am using it to reach and help others who have gone through it and for those who are going through it now. My greatest revenge is my comeback and my comeup.

Before you go asking why, I urge you to do some research on domestic violence and abuse. Get familiar with the forms of abuse, read some other blogs from other survivors about their experiences. Each individual handles things differently. Our experiences are different even though they are similar. Our healing process is very different. We are all at different stages in our healing. Take the time and educate yourself before you ask the why’s. Like I wrote in the beginning, some of us do not yet have the answers to those why’s. Be patient, try to have understanding and most importantly show compassion.

5 thoughts on “Ever Wonder Why?

  1. I am profoundly Deaf and legally blind after my abusive spouse tracked and hunted me like a rabid dog before trying to crack my head open on the concrete. His attack came NINE YEARS after I had left him.

    A stranger online recently told me that I deserved every single head bashing that day for staying with him and told me I had no guts for not fighting back. Her comments almost drove me to suicide. Bad days are not friendly for those who suffer from PTSD and other forms of mental illness from the abuse, past and present.

    It is incredible how ignorant, arrogant and self-righteous some people can be when they have not got a single clue about the horrific journey each of us has gone through.

  2. I have since blocked her and deleted my former school friend (her boyfriend) as well, after he agreed with her point of view. I have zero tolerance for people who try to make matters far worse than they need to be.

    My rage against her comments has settled since that day and I now throw myself 101% into my work. The more distraction I have, the less time I have to dwell on the past. If only that worked when I slept though. Nightmares are no less now than they were when I left him in 1997.

      • That is a whole issue in itself. In now live on the other side of the world, am no longer able to hear the language I grew up with (English) or the language I had learned to speak (Finnish) and I communicate with ASL sign language, which was taught to me for free after the Finnish government wanted almost 4,000€ to learn to communicate again. As a result, the Finnish government refuse to help me as I chose to learn a foreign sign language for free (which was all I could afford at the time) instead of almost one full year’s income to learn the local sign language.

        I wrote a book (How to be Deaf) about the ongoing problem in Finland. My previous book (Change Your Name and Disappear) about what had happened in Australia sold over 500,000 copies, most of which went to medical expenses.

        After two years, I am now house-bound, unable to communicate with anybody outside my own house, and have not left my apartment for the past nine months. Hopefully, some day, the stigma and discrimination against those with mental illness, those who have suffered abuse, the Deaf and disabled will be nothing but a memory. Until then, we keep fighting to be heard.

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