The Lost Wanderer (Part 1)

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She was lost in her own hell.

Barely holding on.

She thought she knew better than to sleep with the devil.

His lies kissed her lips and she was gone.

His masked disguise left her blind.

Her strength and courage was sucked right out of her.

She was a dead woman walking.

Scared to cry out for help.

Scared to run away.

She held back her tears and carried on each day.

Not knowing how much more she could take.

Not knowing if tomorrow she would awake.

Walking on eggshells.

Plotting every move.

Who could she tell?

Life was what she had to lose.

She was lost in her own hell.

Not some fictional fairytale.

This was real life.

Every day was a new fight.

Fighting for another breath.

Fighting until there was nothing left.

He beat her down with his words.

His tongue was like a double-edged sword.

Her self-confidence.

Her self-love

Her self-control

All of it stripped from her.

She no longer had her identity.

She saw herself through the eyes and the lies of the man she once loved.

Her self identity became his insecurities.

Her pureness in his eyes were now impurities.

Until one day.

She woke up.

Woke up determined to break free.

She had had enough.

No longer blind

She mustered up enough strength to fly.

She was determined to survive.

Her soul revived.

Her heart strived.

She was born again, she had had come back to life.

She made a plan of escape.

Taking every precaution.

She was going to leave no matter the fate.

She was willing to claw her way out if she must.

The day had come.

Last night was the final straw.

He had choked her until she passed out.

She couldn’t take anymore.

Her life in his hands.

She knew his final plan.

She made arrangements early the next morning.

As she started gathering her belongings.

Scared for her life

She was ready to fight.

He was sound asleep

As she started packing her things.

Just as she was about to leave

He opened up his eyes.

He saw all her things and said

“You’re leaving me?”

In an instant flashbacks of past threats flooded her mind.

But she had already decided

Not this time.

Her inner warrior had awoken.

She finally stuck up for herself.

She told him she was leaving and that was that.

He slowly got up.

Her eyes followed his every move.

Her ears in tune with every step.

What was he going to do?

Out of all the things he had threatened.

What was going to be his first move?

He showered and dressed.

Not saying a word.

No sound was made.

No sound was heard.

He grabbed his keys and as he turned to leave.

He turned back around and said

“Good bye (Name)”

Goodbye? That’s it? She thought to herself.

As she heard him open and shut the door.

Something must be up.

She phoned her ride and explained that he had left.

A few minutes later she was finally gone.

Out of hell she escaped.

Without nothing, not even a scrape.

The butterfly had found an opening in the window.

And started to fly towards a better tomorrow…..

(To Be Continued…)

Have You Ever Wondered?

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Have you ever wondered why?

Why he or she covers up the lies?

Why he or she doesn’t just leave?

Why he or she cannot see what you see?

Have you ever tried to understand?

Walk in his or her shoes if you can?

Ever think of the dangers that are at hand?

Do you realize the mental control that is in place?

Do you know the things that he or she must face?

Do you know what is possibly at stake?

How much careful planning it all takes?

Before judging and assuming, before victim bashing.

Be aware. Aware of the things that are most likely happening.

For a victim of abuse they may not be aware of the choices they have.

They may feel like no one cares.

Take into consideration of the brainwashing.

Being told that no one loves them.

Being told that it is their fault and that they deserve it.

Abuse goes so much deeper than a physical wound you may happen to see.

The mental, verbal and emotional abuse is not seen by the naked eye.

The invisible scars that lie deep beneath and hold so much control.

Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever really just wondered?

Why he or she is so closed off from the world?

Why he or she does not trust a single soul?

How hard it is for them to gain back their own self control?

Do you know what it is like to be a prisoner in your own mind?

To feel trapped even after you have already escaped?

Triggers: A scent, a sound, a touch, a day, a time, an event, a number of things that could send a person spiraling backwards in their healing.

The panic and anxiety attacks

The not wanting to leave from under the covers of your bed.

Never feeling safe.

Always feeling alone.

And you wonder why he or she goes back?

The sweet lies that drip from the tip of the abusers tongue.

The lies that have the victim turn back and run.

Run back to the arms of the one who causes the most pain.

Blinded by the disguise.

Not seeing their own demise.

All in order to feel “loved”

Have you ever wondered?

How he or she got there?

What has them stuck there?

Have you ever taken the time to fully understand?

What it is like to be controlled by another persons hand?

How someone once so strong could be so fragile?

How someone with so much confidence now insecure?

How someone who once was so full of life can now be so passionless?

Have you ever wondered?

What can you say?

What can you do?

To possibly get them to see the truth?

Truth is..

You can tell them until your face turns blue.

It isn’t that they don’t hear you or want to hear you.

They need to see the truth

For themselves.

They have to see their way out.

They have to see that they will be safe.

They have to get to that point.

The point where they have had enough.

Their eyes will be open

Where they will soon realize.

Everything that was said

Was nothing but lies.

It was all a disguise

To try and paralyze

A caterpillar from transforming into a butterfly.

Have you ever wondered?

P.T.S.D. and Its Triggers

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“Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a traumatic event. A traumatic event is a life-threatening event such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood.”[1]

Source: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

I chose to write this next blog because a few of my readers and followers have discussed with me about the issue of P.T.S.D. as well as through reading other blogs.

I honestly never shared this one thing about me. Some people know, while others not so much. So this is going to be one blog that may be hard for me to write. A few years ago I had gone to my PCP because every day life seemed to be really difficult. I didn’t feel like eating, I could not sleep, and even if I did sleep I was exhausted and just did not want to do my daily routine. After a couple of visits with my PCP and the social worker on my care team, we all came to an agreement to have me see a therapist to sit with me and prescribe me medication. While a certain group of people had tried to label me with one mental disorder (none of which were really certified except for one, who her herself said I may have something but not what they all were claiming), but my PCP, the social worker and this specific doctor said I had P.T.S.D. From the trauma I experienced in my past. Between the abuse of my father, and the abusive relationship(s).

Something had triggered it, which is why I was acting and feeling the way I was. Around that same time a horrific event happened in my city, sometimes I wonder if that was my trigger at that time. Also, I remember when I first left my ex, if I were out anywhere and smelt his cologne or anything similar to it, I would get freaked out and start looking around to see if he was there.

For some, P.T.S.D. is worse than others, some may not need medicine, while others may need some only for a short period of time or longer. One thing I have learned is that the medicine alone does not work, Speaking to someone is needed especially when first prescribed, you need to check in with the doctor who prescribed to see if the dosage needs to be decreased or increased; maybe if even possibly adding another form of medication. Everyone is different, and reacts differently; but you and your doctor(s) will find what works best for you.

People with P.T.S.D. can be triggered by things such as: sights, sounds, smells and also feelings. These triggers can bring back memories or flashbacks of the traumatic experience(s). The triggers can also cause extreme emotional and physical reactions, making someone who experiences these things to want to avoid any such contact with these triggers. Even though it sounds like a good idea to “run from the triggers” it is not. It may help temporarily, but in the long run it could make things much worse. Instead of avoiding these triggers, the best thing to do is to learn how to manage them. Like I said in the previous paragraph, speaking to a doctor about your symptoms will help immensely. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing to be embarrassed about either. It is very common for someone who has experienced a traumatic experience or multiple experiences to have P.T.S.D. It affects over 8.5 million American adults which is about 3 ½ percent of the adult population.

Symptoms of P.T.S.D

 

  • Panic attacks: a feeling of intense fear, with shortness of breath, dizziness, sweating, nausea and racing heart.
  • Physical symptoms: chronic pain, headaches, stomach pain, diarrhea, tightness or burning in the chest, muscle cramps or low back pain.
  • Feelings of mistrust: losing trust in others and thinking the world is a dangerous place.  
  • Problems in daily living: having problems functioning in your job, at school, or in social situations.
  • Substance abuse: using drugs or alcohol to cope with the emotional pain.
  • Relationship problems: having problems with intimacy, or feeling detached from your family and friends.
  • Depression: persistent sad, anxious or empty mood; loss of interest in once-enjoyed activities; feelings of guilt and shame; or hopelessness about the future. Other symptoms of depression may also develop.

 

Source:http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Remember this one thing; You may have P.T.S.D. but it doesn’t have to have you. There is plenty of help available.

PTSD can be treated with success.  Treatment and support are critical to your recovery.  Although your memories won’t go away, you can learn how to manage your response to these memories and the feelings they bring up.  You can also reduce the frequency and intensity of your reactions.  The following information may be of help to you.

Psychotherapy.  Although it may seem painful to face the trauma you went through, doing so with the help of a mental health professional can help you get better. There are different types of therapy.

 

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you change the thought patterns that keep you from overcoming your anxiety.
  • During exposure therapy, you work with a mental health professional to help you confront the memories and situations that cause your distress.
  • Cognitive Processing Therapy helps you process your emotions about the traumatic event and learn how to challenge your thinking patterns.
  • Psychodynamic psychotherapy focuses on identifying current life situations that set off traumatic memories and worsen PTSD symptoms.[3]
  • During Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, you think about the trauma while the therapist waves a hand or baton in front of you.  You follow the movements with your eyes.  This helps your brain process your memories and reduce your negative feelings about the memories.
  • Couples counseling and family therapy helps couples and family members understand each other.

 

Medicine, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs, is used to treat the symptoms of PTSD.  It lowers anxiety and depression and helps with other symptoms.  Sedatives can help with sleep problems.  Anti-anxiety medicine may also help.      

Support groups. This form of therapy, led by a mental health professional, involves groups of four to 12 people with similar issues to talk about. Talking to other survivors of trauma can be a helpful step in your recovery.  You can share your thoughts to help resolve your feelings, gain confidence in coping with your memories and symptoms and find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. For a list of support groups in your area, contact your local Mental Health America organization.  Find their information here.”

Source: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Self-care.  Recovering from PTSD is an ongoing process.  But there are healthy steps you can take to help you recover and stay well.  Discover which ones help you feel better and add them to your life.

 

  • Connect with friends and family.  It’s easy to feel alone when you’ve been through a trauma and are not feeling well.  But isolation can make you feel worse.  Talking to your friends and family can help you get the support you need. Studies show that having meaningful social and family connections in your life can have a positive impact on your health and healing.[4]
  • Relax. Each person has his or her own ways to relax. They may include listening to soothing music, reading a book or taking a walk.  You can also relax by deep breathing, yoga, meditation or massage therapy. Avoid using drugs, alcohol or smoking to relax.  
  • Exercise. Exercise relieves your tense muscles, improves your mood and sleep, and boosts your energy and strength.   In fact, research shows that exercise can ease symptoms of anxiety and depression.[5]  Try to do a physical activity three to five days a week for 30 minutes each day.  If this is too long for you, try to exercise for 10 to 15 minutes to get started.
  • Get enough rest. Getting enough sleep helps you cope with your problems better, lowers your risk for illness and helps you recover from the stresses of the day. Try to get seven to nine hours of sleep each night.  Visit the Sleep Foundation at www.sleepfoundation.org for tips on getting a better night’s sleep.
  • Keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts can be a great way to work through issues. Researchers have found that writing about painful events can reduce stress and improve health.[6]
  • Refrain from using drugs and alcohol.  Although using drugs and alcohol may seem to help you cope, it can make your symptoms worse, delay your treatment and recovery, and can cause abuse or addiction problems.
  • Limit caffeine. In some people, caffeine can trigger anxiety.  Caffeine may also disturb your sleep.
  • Help others.  Reconnect to your community by volunteering.  Research shows that volunteering builds social networks, improves self-esteem and can provide a sense of purpose and achievement.
  • Limit TV watching.  If watching the news or other programs bothers you, limit the amount of time you watch.  Try not to listen to disturbing news before going to sleep.  It might keep you from falling asleep right away.”

 

 

Source: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
In closing of this blog I ask if any of you reading this would please share an experience? How you got help? What things worked for you in coping? Those who read and follow my blogs know that I do not tolerate any form of negativity on my blogs or facebook page. This is a SHAME FREE ZONE! I read and approve EVERYTHING before it publicly posts! What I am looking for is people to share in order to help others.