Continuing Thru The Obstacles

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I am a survivor. I come with a lot of baggage, I will be first to admit that. Things that don’t bother or set you off, can send me into a whirlwind of emotions for days. PTSD. One of those things I had to learn to live and deal with. It is a part of me. It is not something that just goes away.

My past has made me very alert to a lot of things. It is a good thing but also a bad thing. Sometimes I tend to get defensive when there is no need for it. It is as if at times I feel like I always have to fight for myself. Like a bad habit. I had to fight to survive for so long that is almost as if I am programmed to always be ready to fight.

I have experienced new triggers, learned how to get through them instead of just avoiding whatever the trigger is. IS…not WAS! I believe that the triggers don’t simply just disappear over time but they become less frequent as we become more aware of what those triggers are and also as we learn to cope with our day to day activities.

Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, even more so thru writing my blogs. I didn’t like everything that I learned, but I learned to accept it and to change what I was able to change. I have learned to love and accept all aspects of me. How can I expect others to do so if I am unable to? How would I be able to know what I deserve if I do not even know what I am worth?

I am a survivor. I come with a lot of baggage. No, I don’t want to unpack my stuff with just anybody; that goes for both friendships and relationships. If I decide to unpack it is because that person has earned my trust. Which is hard to gain in the first place. If I decide to unpack, please be patient with me. Let me take my time carefully unpacking, carefully exposing my scars.

Continuing thru the obstacles, climbing over the walls, jumping over the hurdles and running this race called life. One day at a time. One obstacle at a time. Realizing that I may not make it through that obstacle the first time around but always getting stronger and better for the next time.

The Lost Wanderer (Part 1)

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She was lost in her own hell.

Barely holding on.

She thought she knew better than to sleep with the devil.

His lies kissed her lips and she was gone.

His masked disguise left her blind.

Her strength and courage was sucked right out of her.

She was a dead woman walking.

Scared to cry out for help.

Scared to run away.

She held back her tears and carried on each day.

Not knowing how much more she could take.

Not knowing if tomorrow she would awake.

Walking on eggshells.

Plotting every move.

Who could she tell?

Life was what she had to lose.

She was lost in her own hell.

Not some fictional fairytale.

This was real life.

Every day was a new fight.

Fighting for another breath.

Fighting until there was nothing left.

He beat her down with his words.

His tongue was like a double-edged sword.

Her self-confidence.

Her self-love

Her self-control

All of it stripped from her.

She no longer had her identity.

She saw herself through the eyes and the lies of the man she once loved.

Her self identity became his insecurities.

Her pureness in his eyes were now impurities.

Until one day.

She woke up.

Woke up determined to break free.

She had had enough.

No longer blind

She mustered up enough strength to fly.

She was determined to survive.

Her soul revived.

Her heart strived.

She was born again, she had had come back to life.

She made a plan of escape.

Taking every precaution.

She was going to leave no matter the fate.

She was willing to claw her way out if she must.

The day had come.

Last night was the final straw.

He had choked her until she passed out.

She couldn’t take anymore.

Her life in his hands.

She knew his final plan.

She made arrangements early the next morning.

As she started gathering her belongings.

Scared for her life

She was ready to fight.

He was sound asleep

As she started packing her things.

Just as she was about to leave

He opened up his eyes.

He saw all her things and said

“You’re leaving me?”

In an instant flashbacks of past threats flooded her mind.

But she had already decided

Not this time.

Her inner warrior had awoken.

She finally stuck up for herself.

She told him she was leaving and that was that.

He slowly got up.

Her eyes followed his every move.

Her ears in tune with every step.

What was he going to do?

Out of all the things he had threatened.

What was going to be his first move?

He showered and dressed.

Not saying a word.

No sound was made.

No sound was heard.

He grabbed his keys and as he turned to leave.

He turned back around and said

“Good bye (Name)”

Goodbye? That’s it? She thought to herself.

As she heard him open and shut the door.

Something must be up.

She phoned her ride and explained that he had left.

A few minutes later she was finally gone.

Out of hell she escaped.

Without nothing, not even a scrape.

The butterfly had found an opening in the window.

And started to fly towards a better tomorrow…..

(To Be Continued…)

Trust Afterwards

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Trust; the one thing that is so hard to earn and yet so easy to lose.  By definition, trust is the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. When someone earns your trust, you open yourself up to them, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You allow that person to break down all your walls, and you trust them to be your protector. So what happens after that someone destroys that trust? When the one that was supposed to protect your heart and soul infiltrates it themselves? Damaging it more than you could ever have imagined? Some would say “the walls go right back up!” But actually, the reality is that the walls do not go right back up. Because; now this person knows ALL your weaknesses. They know all the “right things” to say and do to keep you in that vulnerable state and keep you from rebuilding those walls.

So what happens when you leave that situation? You say to yourself that you will never be vulnerable to another individual ever again. Your walls go up, but it is even deeper than that; because it is as if you not only build your walls up but you build an entire fortress around yourself. You vow to yourself that no one will EVER hurt you like that again.

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As a domestic violence survivor, I know I immediately built my fortress. Not a single person could get in. Not even my own family, and I am not sure that they even realized it. It is like a subconscious act of survival. Nothing in and nothing out. Walls up like the impenetrable walls of Jericho. Not allowing anything to enter, and not willing to let go of what is left inside. Scared of being vulnerable again, yet not realizing I was only doing more damage to myself.

Trust is a big issue for a survivor to deal with. It goes hand in hand with love ( Please read “Love Afterwards” ). In order to trust another individual, you need to regain trust in yourself first. Just like you can only truly love another person if you first love yourself. What do I mean by this? Trust in yourself that you are able to make right decisions. After all, you did make the right choice when you left the abusive relationship right? Also, you have to re-learn who you are now. You are not the same person that you used to be. And again, in order to trust yourself, you first have to love yourself.

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Don’t forget that this is all a process, it all takes time. You can take however long you want to, and anyone in your life that is worth keeping around will respect that.  Also, keep in mind that you are human, and we all make mistakes. If and when you make a mistake dust yourself off, learn from it and move on. Do not beat yourself up over making a mistake. Mistakes make us grow. Work on you, during this time to get to know the new you. Instead of looking for someone to fill any voids, you fill them yourself. Find the things that make you happy. Find the hobbies and activities that you enjoy most. Figure out your like and dislikes.

 

Be sure to surround yourself with positive people. Those who only want what’s best for you and want to see you happy. You do not need any negativity right now in this fragile time of your life. Any negative people must go. This is vital and crucial for your well-being and growth. Negative people will only set you back and add to your lack of trust.

In time, you will learn to trust again. Remember with each part of your healing process you must take it one day at a time. Trusting yourself with goals and achieving them. Trusting each and every decision you make for yourself. As well as trusting yourself to see the signs and red flags. You have to trust yourself in knowing that you are much wiser than you were before. That you survived a horrific and traumatic experience.You trusted yourself enough to go through with the plan when you left the situation, now trust yourself in knowing that you can make the right decision through any tough situation.

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Here are links to some books on learning how to trust yourself:

1. In Touch: How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself

2. TRUST: Trust Yourself and Trust Others, A Simple 10-step Guidelines (FREE BONUS included) (Building Trust, Restoring Trust, Building Relationships, Maintain Trust)

3. TRUST YOURSELF: Master Your Dreams… Master Your Destiny… A Personal Road Map for KNOWING

4. Trust: Mastering the 4 Essential Trusts: Trust in God, Trust in Yourself, Trust in Others, Trust in Life

5. Christ in You: Why God Trusts You More Than You Trust Yourself